Holla! It's Jesus Time!

Hi guys! If there’s one thing we’ve been lucky enough to keep consistent it’s the Testimony Tuesday :) This Tuesday we have the privledge to hear from Doug, also known as BlueSquidDoug in the chatroom at HIJT Live Shows! -drum roll- so here he is!

Hi there Hollaers! My name is Doug! You might know me from the Holla! It’s Jesus Time chat room as BlueSquidDoug, or from my YouTube channel, BlueSquidProductions. I just want to captivate your Tumblr stream or feed-reader for a moment and tell you about how I came to know the saving Grace of Jesus Christ; It’s a fun little story about a boy that really liked attention, and fell in love with felt and foam.

For anyone who doesn’t know me, I’m sixteen years old, and I work as a Christian filmmaker, producing a new music video or sketch (or whatever else I want) every week for my YouTube channel. Film and movies have always been a big part of my life, as you’ll probably notice as I tell you this little story.

I’ve been a performer since birth, and thrive with attention. I would endlessly crave attention from anyone nearby, and when I had a captive audience - I would use it! I guess my mother saw this (It was hard to miss, I was yelling for her attention quite a bit.) and shipped me off to theatre camp for one week over the summer.

Shakespeare said it best - “All the world’s a stage!” and through that summer camp, I realized that I didn’t just long for attention, but I wanted to PERFORM! I fell in love with formal performances and suddenly, I wasn’t just a cute kid making up shows for mommy and daddy - I was an actor, making something legitimately awesome with a large group of other people.

(Side note - I’ve attended theatre camp every year since then, and this year will be my first time since that I will not be a camper… and only because I got too old… But, I will be the best camp counsellor this summer, no doubt!)

Through performing in community theatre, and continuing to take courses in the arts, my juvenile mind started to grow an appreciation for production value and showmanship. Broadway shows filled me with awe, and movies bewildered me. This became quite important when, and I can’t remember why, I found my nine year old self grounded.

I never really had a lot of friends in my life, so when I was “grounded” as a kid, that really just meant no computer or television. (Both of which I took part in quite a bit.) So I was bored, and my mother, most likely with the intent that I would expand my mind with my nose in a book, took me to the library.

Being the short-attention spanned child I was, I gravitated away from the books, and quickly located the library’s DVD section. My mother, who was quite lenient for this once, told me that if she “approved them,” and said they were “appropriate,” I could get a few DVDs.

I ended up borrowing the library’s copy of The Best of The Muppet Show. Hmm… Could be funny…
Funny. Yeah.

I fell in love with the Muppets, they were like nothing I had ever seen before. They were funny, and weird, and had an incredible production value! Everything I loved about theatre, was being put on the screen, projected by puppets!

I exhausted the library’s Muppet collection quite quickly, and then somehow or other, found myself on The Muppet Wiki. If you aren’t familiar with the website, it’s basically Wikipedia, but it’s all about the Muppets. Seemingly endless articles… about the Muppets! I spent days upon days reading these articles as if they were fine literature. Exploring cross-references until I hit a dead-end, at which point I would utilize the “random article” button and start the spiral again.

As I learned more about the Muppets, and the behind the scenes elements behind them, I made a decision that I wanted to do that someday. I wanted to be a puppeteer! …or a filmmaker! …or… or own a film studio! My dream expanded itself everyday, until I reached middle school.

At that point the dream was to run a film studio, and grow that company to dominate the media industry the same way I saw the Walt Disney Company do. I wanted to run the next Disney. I wanted to be the next Disney. I had to get ready! As I entered into the sixth grade, I spent a lot of time writing screenplays, and reading books about entrepreneurs, filmmakers, and (my favorite) entrepreneurial filmmakers.

But then middle school happened, and that was hard.

As previously mentioned, I never really had a lot of friends in my life, but in middle school it became worse. Because I didn’t have these “friends,” I was “weird,” and “different.” I was that loser-kid that everyone talked about, and no one made the effort for.

I started to think about these things, and I developed very low self-esteem, which led into depression. No one likes me. Why don’t I have any friends? Why am the only kid alone? Depression worsened, and I couldn’t find the power to tell anyone. So I kept it to myself. I kept it to myself when I was lonely, I kept it to myself when I was depressed, and, ultimately, I kept it to myself when I wanted to kill myself.

The first time I mentioned suicide to anyone, I was talking with a “friend,” and upon hearing that I didn’t feel a need to live, he explained to me, “well… if you’re going to kill yourself, at least do it in a cool way. Don’t just cut yourself - take a bath with your toaster or something.”

I woke up every morning thinking “I don’t want to do this… I don’t want to live;” and I went to bed every night, crying myself to sleep, whispering through the sobs - “I don’t want to do this… I don’t want to live.”

One thing kept me going each day though. One thing kept me from hurting myself, or ending my life. In the back of my mind, I kept telling myself about that dream, and how great it was going to be when I was the next Walt Disney.

Everyday I would send myself on hours-long bike rides, doing nothing buy fantasizing about my dream. I would imagine myself being interviewed, and how I would answer certain questions, or what I would say in my Oscar acceptance speech. I would practice firing employees, or practice interviewing new one’s. For a few hours everyday, I escaped into Doug’s World. Where Doug was successful, and talented, and was… Walt Disney.

The problem with sustaining your life that way, though? It really doesn’t last. Whenever I wasn’t lost in my daydream, I’d be contemplating ending my life. I never took action against myself, until January 18, 2009.

I was done. Absolutely done with the bullies, and the loneliness, and not having any friends, and the dreaming. I tore around my bedroom, tears running down my face, searching for a piece of broken glass, or anything sharp enough to open the skin.

I couldn’t find anything. I pulled at my hair, I cried, and kicked myself in my mind. I needed to do something. I couldn’t let myself do this.
Without any rhyme or reason, I picked up the telephone and called my friend Brooke.

I hadn’t spoken to her in months, and had no reason to call her on a late Sunday night. But I did, and to this day, I don’t know why.

We talked for a little bit - just regular small talk, but eventually, we stumbled upon the topic of dreams, and what we wanted to do when we were “grown up.” I listened politely to Brooke’s plans to become a chef. Then poured out to her, my dream. My driving force, the thread by which I hung onto life.
I told her about how I would grow my film studio to the biggest in the world, and how I would surpass the leaders in the industry - be the next Disney.

Then she said something to me, that no one else had ever said. “But what if that doesn’t happen?”

Silence.

The room spun. I felt myself falling, as the last piece of ice melted, the cold water rose over my shoulders, encasing my chest. I couldn’t breath.

No.

It WILL happen. I will MAKE it happen. It NEEDS to happen.
If this dream doesn’t come true, then I’m worthless. I have no reason to live.

Our conversation ended shortly thereafter, and, although I reaffirmed my “dream,” I cried myself to sleep. Alone, and cold as ever.


Remember how I mentioned reading books about filmmakers earlier? Yeah, this is the part where that becomes important.

On January 19, 2009, I finished another one of these books. Me, Myself, and Bob: A True Story About God, Dreams, and Talking Vegetables.
If you haven’t heard of it, the book is the autobiography of Phil Vischer, creator of VeggieTales, and founder of Big Idea Productions.

Phil’s story was a lot like my own - he wanted to start a film studio, and, he even used the same words that I did, he wanted to “make the next Disney, BE the next Disney!” His dream. But there was one major difference between the two - Phil didn’t just want to be Disney, he wanted to be a Christian Disney. I read the book, making note all the way that I would have to do some tweaking to apply the book’s lessons to my own dream, but they were pretty similar!

Me, Myself, and Bob detailed the tragic chronicle of Big Idea Productions… of how it came to life in God, and then had an incredible impact for God! …but despite all of that… it died.

God let it die.

Millions of people were being brought to God, and learning about Him… but He let it die.

This confused me… was this book about how Phil Vischer lost faith in God? But… no… the story all along was about how Phil learned what God really was.

“The impact God has planned for us doesn’t occur when we’re pursuing impact. It comes when we’re pursuing God.”
“Why would God want us to give up our dreams? Because anything we are not willing to give up is an idol - and I am in sin.”

Whoa… suddenly, I was Saul… there was a blinding light, and I fell off the horse. I had been wasting my life, dreaming about something that was worthless. Somehow or other, this book brought me to believe that there was a God-thing out there.

After a lot of pondering, and worrying, and crying, I got down on my knees, and couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Um… God?… Hi…”

And suddenly, I felt this immense light shine over me. I was warm, as if embraced in the warmest hug. Chills ran down my spine, and through my legs, as God spoke to me.

“Welcome home Doug! And today, all the angels and saints rejoice, for you have come home! But now, get some rest. We have big plans for you.”

The floodgates opened, tears poured from my eyes. I had never been happier in my life. I didn’t feel alone anymore. I didn’t feel the burden of depression, or the burden of my dream. I just felt… incredible. Because Jesus loved me.


After that night, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and His Divine Will. I haven’t been perfect, and sometimes its difficult to remember that I am only here to serve my Lord, but He always forgives me.

He’s taken my life in a direction I could never imagine - I stopped dreaming about films, and we started making them. Films about Jesus!
I discovered the YouTube community, and God showed me the burden of the lack of Christian content there, and, even more-so, the complete lack of Christian films.
I’ve grown as a filmmaker, in talent and craft, and in audience, and my films are finally “good enough,” to where I feel God’s call to promote them, to expand my audience.

As a filmmaker and YouTuber, I’ve been given incredible opportunities. I’ve gotten jobs, I’ve met knew people, done things I would never dream of, and somehow, God provides the time for me to make my little creations for Him every week.

Every now and then my depression comes back, and I think about how worthless I am, but I just remember that God loves me, and that’s all I need, but on top of that, He has a plan for me! I don’t need friends, or family, or money. I need Jesus in my life. Because with Him, I can do anything.

With Him, I’m not alone.


God Bless, and I’ll see you guys around the HIJT chat.